[see first three posts for introduction and Parts 1 & 2]
my heart hurts.
Hard to concentrate when my world has blown apart. Now really internalizing what it feels like when someone I love is also capable of causing grave harm, in the distant as well as the recent past. How do I reconcile the extremes? Brother had a pure heart. Brother was terrifically strategic. Brainiac, if I may. Uplifting as he spoke of change, pain, transformative love as THE source of relentless power.
Brother told me I was kin, even if not skin. And some skin are not kin. That hella resonated as traumatized people who cause immense harm come in all skin shades. Demographic is not destiny. I learned that. Over and again I’ve seen those who look just like me vote speak see bet smell against my very interests.
Brother’s words inspired me. Still. Now. The message does not erase. Love is not fleeting. Once you’re loved, you’re in. You belong. I belong. Love is catalytic. Love breaks you open. Love heals. Love is everlasting.
What I realized is this: to be able to forgive, extend a do-over, build
from the beginning is to look boldly at the worst things I’ve ever done.
To look.
Not look away.
Stay feeling.
Stay caring.
Don’t look away.
Look at the hurt.
The indescribable.
The real.
State of our world.
Look inside.
Hear each lie.
Smack on like slapping butter and jelly on my biscuits.
See each trespass.
Reflect on why.
Be self critical.
Only then can I be of critique. But still not judging or as a juror…
Heart be still.
Tomorrow is not promised yet chances are dawn will bring light.
I’m reminded, kindly with a smile by one of my generation’s greatest moral and legal advocate, Bryan Stevenson that hope is our superpower.
I am staying hopeful.
I’m holding onto hope like Harriet held onto her taste of freedom, her skin and kin and her pistol. I’m wearing that cape like there’s no tomorrow.
Sitting with and peeling back the layers of complexity. Human complexities.
Grey.
Daze.
Zone.
This is no ordinary love.
They say love like ours won’t last.
Keep crying for
You…
I keep trying for you
